Human DOING. Or, human BEING?

Aa chal ke tujhe, Main le ke chaloon, Ek aise gagan ke talle, Jahan gham bhi na ho, Aasoon bhi na ho, Bas pyar hi pyar palle.

(Come, and I will take you Along with me, Underneath a sky whereby, There is no trace of sadness, No tears either, But only love, and more love)

The most profound memory that I have of my childhood is of my father playing the song written above for me. Whenever I would be troubled, he would dim the lights of the room, stroke my hair, put the record on and gently hum along. My mother would drift in at some time and softly sing along. Nidhi, my sister, not the one to be left behind, was quick to join in too. And the four of us would flow with the words - four in body, but one in spirit. I used to smile, or was moved to tears almost every time I heard the song. I could never hear it with indifference. To me, this song was the symbol of love. The purest kind of love which only asks, "How may I help you?" That kind of love which leaves a lingering long after the expression has ceased. The kind of love which makes you feel that every moment of your life is worth it because you have that one person who loves you.

As I grew up, I stopped listening to the song. I found it rather immature. There was college to attend, there were friends to make, there were points to prove. And in the crazy, quick, churning of adolescence, I forgot who I was. I became a human doing. I became all that I did. When I dressed for hours for a party, I became looks obsessed. When I pretended to be something I was not, I became fake. When I laughed a bit too loudly to attract attention, I became emotionally insecure. When I drank alcohol to prove a point, I became other people conscious. And I did, and I did, and I did. And all that I did, I became.

I was successfully becoming a Human Doing when I took up my first job. I would work hard, and I would also speak very bluntly to my colleagues. I was very clear, I was there to do what I had to do, not to build relationships. With single minded focus I would achieve my targets, often even ruthlessly. My boss was happy with me and egged me on, however I had begun to get a niggling feeling that somewhere I was going wrong. Very wrong. And yet, I did not have the patience to introspect. I would often feel miserable at the end of the day - but would be too exhausted to even question why I was feeling that way. I would feel tremendously lonely at time, and to overcome that I would work even harder. All my close ones were there in the background but I couldn't enjoy them as the foreground itself took all my time and energy. In fact, family unfortunately was at the receiving end of my stress, irritation and sometimes even arrogance. Listening to "Aa chal ke tujhe" seemed like a serious waste of time at that time.

When I got married, I decided to take a break from my work. However, instead of investing time in myself or enjoying the new relationships that life had brought to me, this time I got obsessed with 'bearing the family responsibilities' and be the ideal wife and daughter in law. I would do all I could to please my in laws, and yet wondered, why at the end of the day I am not happy myself? I would change my entire personality to suit that of Arun, my husband, and wonder why we were bickering more than ever. In effect, I was doing everything right - but little did I realise, I was being everything wrong. I didn't know who I was, I didn't know what I wanted from life and I actually wondered, why was I even living?

It was only in a spiritual retreat that I found the answer. It was like awakening from a deep slumber. It was like shaking off an old self and finding a new me. I was sitting in the lush lawns of a hill station staring at the skies when the guru entered and played the song, "Aa chal ke tujhe…" My eyes flew open and I stared at him. He gave me a lopsided grin and the intensity in his eyes answered every question I held in mine. I began to laugh. I couldn't help it. I laughed and laughed and laughed. I rolled in the grass. I kicked my feet up. It was actually so simple, so ordinary, that I had missed it.

If I just focus on the 'being' part of me, the 'doing' will take care of itself. What makes me happy? Writing! Then I should have a career in writing. When the being within me is happy, in doing the best of me will come out.

What makes me feel good about myself? Being healthy. When I am so obsessed with being healthy, can I help but do a fun routine to keep it healthy and also select the right food?

What makes me peaceful? Having good, stress-free, happy relationships. Yes, then wont I naturally let go of petty negative discordances and instead hold on to the beautiful memories - those moments in which he showed me he cared, that instance when she said she loved me?

Simple isn't it? We live our entire life doing things to become happy. We want to look good for it, we want to marry for it, we want earn a name in our area of expertise for it, we want to even have children and then grandchildren for it. And yet, how many of us claim to be truly, blissfully, unconditionally happy? Focus was on doing. But God made you into a human BEING for a reason. Become happy and see how you so naturally attract the bounties of life for yourself.

In a room of ten adults and one child, often the little one will be the center of attraction. Not because he is the richest one in the room. Not because he is the most intelligent one. Not even because he is the most good looking one. While so many of us are involved in doing - the tiny tot will be obsessed with being. He will giggle with not an ounce of self consciousness. Even when he throws the ball from one corner of the room to the other he does it with such excitement that you cant help but watch. He is so beautiful even when he weeps - he feels the pain of falling down so deeply that he must cry. As he is being, everything that he is doing appears beautiful. Don't we call children gifts from God - what then happens to that gift as it grows up?

The butterfly does not care whether you are watching it or not, it flutters around beautifully and gently touches its delicate feet to the flower and sucks the nectar. The rains don't ask you to find a melody in its song - it sings because it must. The seas don't ask you to remove your shoes and become a part of its blissful dance, it dances, and dances on. For so many of us, we feel deep peace in nature. Isn't it because nature does not do, it just is. As it is.

I decided that each day I would focus on being. Before I involved myself in any activity - be it as simple as bathing I would ask myself what I would feel. When purifying is the aim, bathing too would cease to become a chore. Why are you going for your job? What does it make you feel? Why are you reading the newspaper? Is it a habit? How would a steaming cup of tea with a loved one feel instead? How does it feel to fit into Extra Small Jeans? Wow! So please remove your hands from that cheese pizza! How does anger feel? Toxifying? Then drop it! How does it feel to be a mother? Forget the soiled nappies for a moment and feel the bliss of creating a life!

As all these answers unfolded within me, I was stunned. I fell onto my knees and raised my hands in gratitude. Tears flowed incessantly. I didn't need to offer a prayer. I had become the prayer.